Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
