I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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