yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
They have beer where we have blood.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Randomize
