11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Randomize
