It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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