the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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