3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
