I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
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