I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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