Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
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