Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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