Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
