Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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