he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
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