The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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