Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Randomize
