Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
No subtext here. People are naked.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
