dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
