Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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