this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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