dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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