do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
