we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Randomize
