Hey man sorry I got all grabby
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Randomize
