if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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