Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Randomize
