I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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