i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I touched a dick in church today
Don't tell me you're on acid again
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
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