I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
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It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
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It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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