Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
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Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
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I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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