Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
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