oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
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