he shaved USA in his pubs
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
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