im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
Randomize
