There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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