i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Randomize
