Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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