I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
