For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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