I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
i just had sex bonerless
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
