i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
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