I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Randomize
