there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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