I think scott just propositioned me for sex
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
