i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I love having hate sex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
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