dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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