I am puke
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
