So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
