Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
