I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Randomize
