I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
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