You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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