I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
