I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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