I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
