I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
