I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Randomize
