I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
and you fell through a lawn chair
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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