just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
