New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
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