I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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