I swear she didn't look like that last week.
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
