I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Randomize
