I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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